We have now less than 20 days into our last performance as a BA student. The thought of that confuses me, it felt like I was never going to leave.
I remember being in first year and not knowing. Not knowing of not knowing. I remember
Jane McKernan said something that stuck with me when I first started my training at Northern, not in her exact words but it was something like, "think of your time here as a very slow roll down, by the time you graduate you'd have rolled back up". Well, almost five years later I am now approaching the end of the roll down (up), and it is starting to feel like it is all coming to an end of an era. Part of me was scared of what I might see when my head tilts back up and open my eyes, afraid that it is going to be a different world before I rolled down. Hearing the different voices, vibrations around me, the shifting air when people passed me by, it all made an impression on my imagined post-roll-up world.
I am still not sure what I want to do after I graduate.
I am still typing "part-time jobs in Leeds" into my Google search bar.
I am still reluctant to get a cat because I fear that I won't be able to take good care of it, or being its burden.
My brain reminds me from time to time that I need to worry about these things. But as I am now slowly opening up, my head finding balance on my spine, feet rooted and grounding, I can see this new part of the world. The sky is a little higher and the road is a little wider. Dusk is approaching, it might be hard to navigate my way around this new place, but I trust that it is welcoming. And on the occasions where it is not, I shall offer my open arms to those who are also walking in the dark, and together we will find refuge and light-hearted chatter.
But for now, allow me to savour the remaining lemon half until I fully roll back up.